Ingram Family

Whenever I get together with my Nanny Marsh she always tells me stories of driving on the tractor with Grampy, or the time she took me strawberry picking and my butt turned all red or what seemed to be her absolutel favourite the time she changed my diaper and sat me on the newspaper and I walked around with print all over my bare butt. She always told me how special I was to her, how when my mom was pregnant for me she waited for me like a special Christmas present. She told me how leaving Miramichi was so hard for her because she knew she was going to have to walk away from me an not see me anymore. She told me how she cried for months once she left. Now I sit here myself, crying for days, because my Nanny has passed away and I know I have to walk away and let it go and that I am not going to see her anymore. No more funny emails in my inbox, no more good morning sunshines or hugs on my facebook page, no more late night chatting phone calls just to say I miss you. I miss her already. I went to visit her a few weeks ago, as you can see from my last post. I am so happy to have had that time to tell her how much she meant to me, how much I love her and that no matter what distance could never take anything away from the connection we had together. Even death can not take connection away. I will hold you close to my heart forever and always.

As I'm typing this they are preparing for her service in Timmins. I chose to not go to Timmins, whether a smart choice or not, because I couldn't deal with the pain in front of that many people. I was going to go up to support Dad but he couldn't change his flight back to Africa in order to stay for the service. I feel like funerals are for other people that are there, not for the person that has died, it is there for you to be comforted and to comfort others. I would be no good at comforting others right now and honestly I need to find comfort within myself, I need to come to terms with this on my own. I feel like a jerk for not going, like it makes it seem like she meant less to me because I haven't gone to her service, but that is not the case. I knew when I went up to visit her that I was making the choice between seeing her while she was still well or seeing her once she had passed and it really meant a lot more to me to see her and say what I was feeling and tell her how much she meant to me otherwise I knew I would regret it forever. Instead of paying my respect with all the family I got one last hug, one last kiss, one last I love you. That meant way more to me, and although I do have a side of guilt, I am happy with my choice.

After I got home from my adventure through Ontario, I hadn't heard from Nanny in a couple of days, hadn't seen any recent forward jokes so I fired off a quick email to her asking her how she was doing ... she will replied with a simple "I'm still here honey don't worry about me I'll be just fine"

These are my thoughts for Nanny today, since I could not bear to be at her service. I love you Nanny, you are in a much better place now, free of pain, rest in peace. You will be forever missed ... I will always hold you close to my heart.